What is this about?
When I lost Bailey, there has become a hole in my life, a void that I never can fill...
As a parent in this situation there is a part of me that is screaming "make a difference", "make this count for something" so here I am.... I plan on sharing my journey through a blog so that anybody touched by our story can folow along and see how we are doing and on the other end of things for anybody experiencing grief or loss for themselves to know that they are not alone, anything and everything they are feeling is normal, that there is no right way to handle this... and most of all we can get through this... just one foot in front of the other!
Also I have a need or great desire to honor Baileys memory so I will be leaving matchbox cars with a message and a link to this website for anybody that finds them, in the hopes I can bring some joy to other children... the same joy I would love to be able to give to Bailey but no longer can.
The second way I am honoring baileys memory is by hopefully offering some solace to bereved parents that don't even get to bring their darling angels home from the hospital, little bundles born too soon or born sleeping... A few precious hours in the hospital is all those parents get so I will be crocheting baby items for them as usually they are so small no clothes could possibly fit wich they can then use to use to take photos of their angel and then keep as a reminder of those precious moments... something to hold on to.
My message is simple (and I think I have said it best in my blog post so I apoligise if it does get a bit repetive)
The thought of losing a child is horrific, enough to keep any parent awake at night (You see things like that happening to other people on TV, but never quite so close to home)
In reality when it happens to you it is very hard to reconcile in your mind, the horror comes later, (usually when you are alone and have time to think, when you are on the toilet or in the shower :/) at first your mind copes by becoming numb, you are devastated of course but the true reality hasn't sunk in yet.
I dreaded the thought of going to Baileys funeral, I wondered how on earth I was going to get through it.... I felt like the funerals purpose was fror the friends and families who knew him, but not his parents because we truely were not dissimilar to zombies... just trying to get through it..... In reality the thought of it was more horrible than the actual service itself as I was still numb and that really helped.... Before the service, I looked at his perfect little body lying in the pristine white coffin and I kept expecting his chest to move with an intake of breath (My brain was screaming this it wrong) the last time I actually saw him before the funeral was when he was alive and kissing me goodbye....... but, he was still, I knew he was my Bailey, but at the same time he wasn't him at all.
Every one of my motherly instincts was telling me to pick him up and comfort him, I felt like I should be at least trying to make him warm... I had trouble looking at raw meat for quite a while after that, because for some strange reason it reminded me of Baileys little body, just flesh and bones.
Before the funeral it was painful to imagine him in the chilled morgue, so I let his father decide the arrangements of what would happen to his body afterwards. Neither option sounded particularly appealing - Burned to Ash - or - Left to Rot. He chose to go with cremation, I know this makes his older brother Chase sad because he tells me that "Bailey is just ashes now" he is 8 and it breaks my heart that his best mate to him is "Just ashes now"
Grief is a funny thing, you can cry and laugh at the same time, or be doing housework with tears running down your face like it’s the most normal thing in the world, it can give you a headache or even make you throw up..
I've experienced these things and more, to some degree I can expect to feel this way for the rest of my life.
Sometimes it hits you at the strangest times and over the strangest things, I remember being confused and because I was getting angry at the advertisements on television, they were just so normal, and quite often about stupid meaningless things.
Experiencing a loss like this changes your perspective in a big way, some days nothing seems important compared to the value of Baileys life, material things are just that .... material... replaceable.... I often make a mental list of all the things I would sacrifice or give up if it could only make a difference... But it won't.... I know it won't yet still I find myself making that list... I have good days, bad days and some days when I collapse to the floor in a blubbering heap
One of the hardest things I have tried to reconcile in my mind is; Bailey IS such a character, everything had to be his way and by his rules... This great shining, stubborn light has gone out.... like if you walk into a dark house, with only one light source... a lamp... you switch it off and are plunged suddenly into that eerie darkness. I say to Chase "To a Mother, her babies... her children are a piece of Mummies heart living outside of her body..... That is why Mummy is so sad about Bailey, a piece of my heart is missing and Mummy is heartbroken"
Two months to the day that Bailey grew his beautiful (every shade of Blue) Angel wings, Oliver Bailey Rushton-Jardine burst into this world - um, yes literally with only 6 minutes after the waters broke.... accidentally at home on my bed,(a real local to North Lakes) with my mother playing midwife "Catch me Grandma"
I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to bring this new life into the world while still be grieving for Bailey, It didn’t seem fair to Bailey. As it turns out I didn't need to worry about that, Oliver is so innocent and beautiful I can't help but treasure every moment, a cuddle or a smile from him makes you feel whole again. It doesn't take away the pain but it certainly does help make things easier for a little while. Its little things that makes things hard, like how I easily beome worried that there is something wrong with him, like he will suddenly get sick and I will loose him too, I dont want to be that person... letting a traumatic event make you afraid to live, sometimes it just happens and I cant control it.... oh and I do make sure he is breathing numerous times in a day or night.
I know from experience that parenting is hard, children have this uncanny ability to push all your buttons, wear you out and frustrate you to no end. Maybe they have kept you awake all night because they were sick, you pop down to the shops to grab a couple of quick essentials and suddenly its world war 3, tantrum, meltdown because you won't buy them something they decided 5 seconds ago they absolutely must have RIGHT now! You do what any stressed overtired parent does and lose your patience....
Those are especially the times I think my story can help. With Bailey I would give almost anything (there's that list again) to have those times again, I would feed him all the junk food and lollies he wanted and let him get fat, I'd let him play as much computer and I-pad he wanted even if sometimes he got cranky with the games and cry... Because then at least he would STILL BE HERE. Please , don’t take anything for granted, read them those extra 5 bedtime stories.... sometimes give in and buy them that toy, let them have that unhealthy food you know they like...occasionally, give them those "5 more minutes" and that "one last chance" when they are naughty, they are young and small for such a small amount of time.... most of all cuddle them, make them laugh and smile anything that makes them happy (yes even if they are 13) if the worst should ever happen you would be able to look back on that time you had with them with no regrets.
I hear a lot "I don't know what to say" "How can I fix it" or "What can I do to help" Firstly that completely normal, I don’t know what to say half the time as well, sometimes nothing seem like it is enough, that is also why I feel so strongy about sharing this message and honoring Baileys memory. (scream it out to the world) Secondly there's no fix, my family and I will bear this for the rest of our lives we will just get better at hiding it, it will be a long time before Oliver will even understand why mummy is sad and sometimes cries when she cuddles him. As for how to help me personally? Be my friend (I'm socially awkward and don't know how to make new friends) Encourage me to get out of the house every once and awhile, talk with me about Bailey even if sometimes that makes me cry... and most of all don’t think that because I have lost my son I wont enjoy hearing about your children.
I know the feeling, like you need to "do something, anything" it seems to be a common reaction, and due to that response I have been getting from people its been suggested that I create a go fund me page and paypal me page for anybody wishing to help, I'm not the type of person to ask for handouts, after all It is my loss my journey and my Son..... But I will say being on welfare limits what I can do so I won't say not to an extra helping hand, because Bailey deserves to be more than just a few pictures and videos... and memories..... I would be awesome if he could touch the hearts of people all over the world, lets share this message to one and all.... Oh and please if we have touched you... or resonated with you please let me know.... I need to feel like I am doing the right thing, that again we are making a difference!